Self Deprication
Saturday, Jan. 17, 2009 - 10:49 p.m.

I wanted to update regarding my workout day. I had been nervous about this day. I like to challenge myself personally...but when you get into a group class situation, you're testing yourself, but you have much ability to compare yourself to others. So, in my own way, I felt like I've accomplished so much on my own as far as weight loss and as far as endurance and cardiovascular health. But then I get into a group class and my self esteem goes to hell.

When I get into classes, I feel like everyone is watching me. I constantly tug at my clothes and am conscious of every drop of sweat. Basically, I feel like an absolute idiot. A big, fat bumbling joke.

I took Body Pump as usual. That class isn't bad. I feel strong when I do it...although it's easy to look at others who may have been doing it longer and are using heavier weight than I am. But I'm happy with the class and plan on continuing it.

Then with the 2nd class, Back to Abs, I started feeling ridiculous. It was just about 25 minutes of ab work. It was tough. We're all on our backs on mats and basically killing our abs the whole time. I always feel ridiculous on the floor, flopping around on mats, trying to keep my stomach covered, wondering how gigantic my butt must look to the person behind me, etc. I knew my butt and crotch were sweating through my grey Champion capris in addition to the sweat on my chest and back and I wonder if someone saw it and thought I was a disgusting fat slob. I had to stop many times because my abs burned so badly. Yes, people, under all the belly fat, there are abs in there somewhere.

Then I had about a five minute break before the next class began. It was the launch of the Body Attack class, so it was an all-new routine with new music. It was packed! I chose a spot in back and it started fast but okay. Most of the moves I can do, but there are two problems: one is that I got lost about a million times. I kept having to pause and figure out what the move was and by the time I did, they were onto another move already. I'm sure most of these people have already taken this class before and know the moves, it's just that the order of the moves has changed. There is a lot of running laps, running back and forth, jogging in place, jumps, kicks, etc. The cardio is okay for me. But getting to the second problem - I am fat. So I'm slow. I just can't move as fast. So all those little grapevines that they do from side to side, the running and kicking and using arms at the same time...I'm always going to be slower than everyone else. The room was so packed that if you are just one beat off, you're gonna run into the person next to/in front of/behind you. That happened once. I felt like the guy behind me was pissed off at me because I'm so slow. Probably not, but that's what I thought about in my head. I felt like the instructors were staring at me and thinking about how sweet but pathetic the fat girl is, trying out their class for fit people.

Sigh. I finished the class okay, thought a few times I wondered when it was ever going to end. Sometimes I have to modify because I couldn't handle so many jumps and such, that's normal. If I could just get the steps and moves down on time, it could be fun. But I spent the whole hour paranoid and feeling ridiculous. When it was finally over, I had to try hard not to let tears flow. I felt like such a failure, I just wanted to get out of that gym. I keep trying to be positive and say that I wasn't the only one who got lost a few times...or that after doing it a few times I'll have the moves down and I'll be able to keep up. But maybe not. Sigh again.

I'm trying to tell myself to keep going. Once a week. Or try one more time. I keep thinking about people in the class who were actually smiling, laughing and hooting. They were actually having FUN doing this. What the fuck is that?

I don't know what I'm gonna do next Saturday, will I do it again? i just don't know. But my weight is back downt he 216. I hit that a couple weeks ago, but then it kept fluctuating between 218/219. Just one more pound and that will be 45 pounds. I can't wait to hit fifty pounds gone.

Girle